The Stages of Christian Relationships

“We’re talking.”

“We’re waiting to see where the Lord leads.”

“We’re getting to know each other better.”

“We’re considering furthering our relationship.”

When it comes to Christian dating, the phrases above are famous ones. Most of them are ambiguous, trite, and often are imbedded with double meanings. I find that when these phrases are used, the speaker is almost unsure of what they mean themselves by saying them. Each of the statements attempt to describe a stage of a relationship. It has come to my attention that there many more stages involved in a Christian relationship compared to those relationships that are of a secular nature. If you have dated as a Christian, if you are currently dating as a Christian, or if you will date as a Christian, you have mostly likely been in, are in, or will be in one of the following relationship stages at some given point during your dating career.

1. The “I Mean, I’m Interested in Him” Stage

During this stage, there is usually no substantial relationship involved beyond a friendship. The two of you may be friends, you may have caught him staring at you from across the church pews, or you may just really enjoy talking him even though you don’t get to very often. You are interested in him, but you’re not sure if you would necessarily consider dating him. It’s what most people with a secular view would call a “crush.” This stage can last for over a year, or less than two weeks. But what do you say when your friends ask you if you like him? You say, “I mean, I’m interested…”

2. The “We’re Talking, I Guess…” Stage

This is possibly the most commonly abused stage. This stage represents the period of time during which either you or him have somewhat expressed you feelings toward each other, but there has been little to no talk of the future of the relatioship. Yet, the two of you continue to talk to one another with a vaguely romantic pretense. “Talking” is a slippery slope upon which many have struggled to keep their balance. At this stage, you are aware of your mutual feelings, but you are both usually too immature or scared to be the one to open up a channel of communication regarding a future relationship. But what do you say when your friends ask you if you and him are in a relationship?” You say, “I mean, we’re talking… I guess.”

3. The “We’re Seeking God’s Will For Us” Stage

This stage is essentially a more intense version of the “talking” stage. In many cases, this stage can be combined with the: “He’s going to ask my dad soon” stage. Both you and him usually have plans to date in the future, but you both feel that you should wait before making anything official, regardless of the fact that the only thing about your relationship that isn’t official is the fact that you don’t feel like calling yourselves official just yet. You post pictures together on social media, talk on the phone, and are associated together in all your friends’ minds, even though you’re not officially dating.

4. The “Dating” Stage

Goodness gracious it’s about time.

The List

I’ve made the lists. You know the ones I’m talking about. You’ve all made them, either on paper or in your head. They were entitled “Qualities I’m Looking For in a Husband”. I know I certainly never wrote one out, but I had one. You have one as soon as a friend asks you what you look for in a guy, and you started listing things. Smart. Diligent. Understanding. Loves God. Loves the Bible. Loves the church. Wouldn’t hurt if he could sing. Making lists is fun.

But when it comes to relationships, eventually the list has got to go.

Let me explain. I’m all for making lists. I think it’s a bad idea to go into anything, no matter what, without kind of knowing what you want (if it’s possible in whatever situation you’re in to know). But a list can only take you so far, because you just don’t know yourself that well. I was in a relationship (albeit short) with a guy who was perfect on paper. Still is. I knew this because I spent more than a year making sure he was everything that I thought I wanted. He still is everything I thought I wanted, but I realized that I wanted and needed more in a relationship. It was actually pretty hard to admit, because a lot of the things I realized I needed weren’t list-worthy. They were things like: funny in a more complex way, good at realizing when people thought he was acting weird, and better at reading my emotional state.

Those are all fairly shallow things (or so they seemed), but they were things I quickly found are important for me. They had nothing to do with values and everything to do with personality. We shared a lot of similar values, which is what drew us to each other in the first place. But I knew pretty quickly that he wasn’t the kind of guy I felt like I could fall in love with, even though I also felt like I should be able to.

Don’t lead a guy on in the hope that feelings might develop, just because he’s everything Christian society has told you that you should be looking for in a guy. Don’t lead a guy on just because he’s everything you’ve told yourself that you should be looking for in a guy. Don’t discount the shallow stuff. Just because it’s not as important doesn’t mean it’s not important at all.

You can’t fall in love with a list.

20 More Pieces of Old-Fashioned Relationship Advice (For Girls)

1. No man is an island; therefore, no couple is an island.

2. Take note of how he treats children and elderly people.

3. 10 years older is not too old.

4. Go on dates, not “hangouts”.

5. Don’t let chivalry go unnoticed.

6. Act like someone who’s worthy of respect.

7. Maintain physical boundaries.

8. Try to maintain emotional boundaries.

9. Wear dresses, even when there’s no occasion.

10. Understand that not everything is personal.

11. Honesty is attractive, self-deprecation is not.

12. A mature relationship involves mature people.

13. If you don’t honor the rules of the relationship, don’t expect him to.

14. Long-distance will be harder than you think.

15. Know what he believes before you date him.

16. Make choices, don’t give ultimatums.

17. Don’t judge your relationship’s progress by someone else’s.

18. Pray, a lot.

19. Love him.

20. Loving him doesn’t mean you need to, or should, be in a relationship with him.

Book Review: I Kissed Dating Goodbye and Boy Meets Girl

After years of hearing that courting was far superior to dating but not knowing the difference, I decided it was finally time to pick up the Josh Harris book that took Christian culture by storm. I have to say, I was pleasantly surprised by I Kissed Dating Goodbye as well as its sequel, Boy Meets Girl. 

First for my criticisms. Harris’ use of Bible verses to support his views on guy-girl relationships are taken out of context, to say the least. Also, when he does quote the Bible, he prefers the Message, which is not a translation but a personal interpretation. His ideas are a bit legalistic, but a little rule-following hardly hurts anyone. By Boy Meets Girl, his opinions have matured more. His use of personal examples adds greatly to his points. But while Harris is eager enough to tell us how we should do things right, he has very little advice on what to do when things go wrong. He does make allowances for differences of personality and situation, but essentially, he writes what he knows.

And he writes very well.

Both books promote a God-centered view of relationships, with marriage as the ultimate goal, condemning modern dating practices as self-serving. Remarkably, he manages to turn a conversation about dating into a call for young Christians to lead lives that focus mainly on serving and glorifying God. Far more than a simple list of do and do not, I Kissed Dating Goodbye and Boy Meets Girl are full of heart, real-life experiences, practical applications, and honest commentary on the selfishness of relationships that do not seek to serve one another or honor God.

 

We have nothing in common…

Q: Dear Damsel,
I’m just starting out at a new church, and I’m having trouble making friends. It’s not that I’m not very friendly…I just can’t seem to find anything in common with the kids in youth group. Got any tips?

A: I can’t say I’ve ever been able to understand it when people say things like, “I don’t have anything in common with so and so.” As a human being, you will inevitably have things in common with every other human being on the earth. Do you eat food? Do you listen to music? Are you in school? Do you play sports? Do you play an instrument? Do you watch movies? If you say no to all of these you’re obviously lying! And as a Christian relating to other Christians, you have…oh, I don’t know…Jesus in common?? In order to make friends you must first find a common ground. Once you’ve found it, you’ll find it’s not so hard to build a friendship!

•º•º• Rose •º•º•

I Love You But I Don’t Like You

Churches aren’t supposed to have cliques. In fact, in an ideal world, most people would agree that there would be no such thing as a clique. Not at home. Not at school. Not in a dome. Not in a pool. Not near, not far, not here, not there, not anywhere. You get it. I can’t count the number of Christians I’ve heard wondering why people can’t just get along, why they have to group together and group apart, as if this isn’t allowed in a church. After all, we’re all part of the body of Christ, right?

The problem with that assumption is that its foundation rests on this faulty equation: love = like. But this is comparing apples to oranges. Love is an action. Like is a feeling. That’s why it’s possible to love our enemies, but not necessarily want to be buddies with them. (Does this sound familiar? It’s going to come up a lot)

If you think about it, the fact that so many totally incompatible people can come together every week to serve each other and to worship God is kind of more beautiful than if we were all just naturally best friends. The gospel spans countries and personalities. Whether or not you get along well with the person who sits in the pew next to you, your mutual love of Christ binds you in a way that nothing else can.

So don’t feel guilty if you don’t like everyone you give an obligatory greeting to on Sunday morning. The important thing is that you love them.

 

Dealing With Unwelcome Unrequited Love

Don’t.

I’m not just talking about any unrequited love here. I’m talking about that guy you have a crush on, and it’s a really stupid crush, for any number of reasons. He’s an idiot. He’s immature. He’s mean. He’s stuck-up. He’s lazy. He’s not a strong Christian, or maybe he’s not a Christian at all. There’s no future there, and you know this. We’re not even talking Jacob and Bella. This is more like Romeo and Juliet, except Juliet isn’t a total idiot and Romeo doesn’t love her back. There isn’t a happily ever after, and you knew it as soon as those butterflies started fluttering.

Sometimes, there’s no reason why it happens. Blame it on the hormones, the atmosphere, whatever. Most often, it’s just plain proximity. He’s a boy, you’re a girl, and that’s it. No point in mulling over causes. The feelings are just there. They’re painful, and they’re pointless. So what do you do about them?

Absolutely nothing.

Trust me, attempting to repress the butterflies makes the butterflies flutter faster. It’s simple psychology. The more you try not to think about something the more you think about it. The feelings have to run their course, but the course will end. Just know that it may take a while (mine lasted two years). If possible, limit contact with him as much as possible, so you don’t end up saying or doing something you might regret. Feelings may be there, but you don’t have to act on them. Really, don’t act on them. The modern culture, along with many past cultures, is very, very fond of feelings. It doesn’t matter whether you are from different countries, have different goals, or worship different gods, as long as you love each other. Let me break it to you. We’re to love everyone, even our enemies, but we’re not supposed to marry all of them. This isn’t Utah. Unless you’re reading this and you happen to live in Utah.

The ultimate goal of romantic love as we know it is marriage. Wives are to submit to their husbands. Can you see yourself marrying this guy? Do you respect him? Can you see yourself submitting to him as the church submits to Christ? Of course you don’t. That’s why your love is pointless in the first place. So bite the bullet and deal with it.

20 Pieces of Old-Fashioned Relationship Advice

There’s a lot of mixed messages out there when it comes to dating, so I thought I’d throw my two cents in there. Some of these are just common sense. Some can be applied to more than just romantic relationships. I’ll let you decide.

1. Don’t jump to conclusions. 
2. Don’t make promises you don’t intend to keep.
3. Think before you speak.
4. Take things slow.
5. Take things seriously.
6. Talking in person is always best.
7. You’ll catch more flies with honey. Be nice.
8. Don’t play games.
9. Don’t throw yourself at him.
10. Don’t give up too soon.
11. Honesty is the best policy.
12. So is modesty.
13. Forgive the little flaws. You have them too.
14. Be a lady.
15. Bake him cookies.
16. But let him pay.
17. Avoid compromising situations.
18. Keep the end goal in sight.
19. Listen to your parents. Sometimes they see things you don’t.
20. Love God more than you love him.